The Intimidation Station

The Intimidation Station

The Chargers are giving the Bengals a run for their (laundered) money

In addition to allowing game-winning 4th quarter drives, the defensive players on the San Diego Chargers share another hobby: getting themselves in trouble. Since April, 5 players have fucked up in one way or another. Steve Foley was arrested in April after fighting with multiple police officers. Not to be outdone, Shaun Phillips was arrested in April after tugging a woman by her hair and then scuffling with an officer. One thing I have to point out here. San Diego police don't arrest anybody for anything, ever. They make the Italian police force look like Gestapo. After a quiet summer filled with training camp and traveling to Tijuana for donkey shows the defense got together and realized they had gone soft. Anybody can get arrested for scuffling with police, frat guys do it all the time. Steve Foley decided that he needed to set an example for the young players. So he went out, got shitfaced, and drove home with his "girlfriend." I pray that said "girlfriend" was just a result of a severe case of beer goggles. After being pursued by an off-duty police officer because he was swerving, he was shot. I'm sure you've all read the story so I'll just cut to the chase. He was shot 3 times. Terrence Kiel took Foley's guidance to heart and saw a way he could make some money. Because we all know that $750,000 per year is not enough to feed your kids. Kiel attempted to send "lean" back home and was arrested at the Chargers practice facility by the DEA. The Drug Enforcement Administration arrested him. After practice. Amazing. "Lean" is huge in the Houston rap scene (at least that's what Gideon Yago told me on MTV News) and apparently Kiel was trying to get a discount on a Paul Wall grill. In early October, Markus Curry, a practice squad defensive back was arrested on domestic violence charges and cut by the team. The most recent case is Shawne Merriman being accused of using steroids and facing a 4 game ban. So, in addition to showing how thug life the Chargers are (jealous Pac Man Jones?) I am going to predict who will get arrested in the future and for what.

Player: Clinton Hart
Reason: Possession of cocaine with intent to sell
Explanation: Being a safety in the NFL just doesn't pay enough and distributing drugs is clearly the best way to increase your income. Seeing as how he's from Dade City, FL and went to Central Florida CC I'm sure he has enough connections to get started.

Player: Vincent Jackson
Reason: Assault with a deadly weapon
Explanation: As a former Northern Colorado player, Jackson knows that the best way to earn a starting spot is to stab the player above you on the depth chart. He is arrested after slashing Keenan McCardell's Achilles tendons. If Vincent was smarter he would have realized that all you need to do to prevent Keenan from playing is to mess up his perfectly permed hair. Keenan just can't stand when his hair is out of place.

Player: Nate Kaeding
Reason: Attempted murder
Explanation: During a team meeting, Kaeding puts boogers in Marty Schottenheimer's cup of tea. After Marty finishes the tea he becomes deathly ill and is rushed to the hospital. Luckily for the Schottenheimer family, Marty survives. Unfortunately for Chargers fans, Marty survives. Kaeding is arrested and sent to juvenile hall, even though he is 24 years old.

Player: Brandon Manumaleuna
Reason: Rape
Explanation: Is arrested after raping a Kappa Kappa Gamma at their annual "Cowboys and Indians" party. Manumaleuna, who dressed up as Gandhi (Brandon went to the University of Arizona), is arrested after confessing to raping a girl dressed as Annie Oakley. Upon his arrest, he was quoted as saying, "I'm tired of girls throwing themselves at Antonio. So I had to do what I had to do, just like my hero, Mike Mamula."

Player: Jacques Cesaire
Reason: Assault
Explanation: At an autograph signing session, a middle aged man asks Cesaire if he would sign a beret for him. Cesaire grudginly agrees. The man then asks Jacques if he would take a picture with him smoking a cigarette and eating a croissant. To this request Jacques responds, "I'm not fucking French" and punches the man in the face. After the police show up, Jacques Cesaire predictably surrenders.

Player: Scott Mruczkowski
Reason: Vandalism
Explanation: After losing the NFL's first ever "Most Ridiculous Last Name" contest to teammate Cory Lekkerkerker, Scott goes berzerkerkerker and spray paints "Don't Fuck with Mruc" all over Cory's car.

its a family affair

for most americans, sports take up a unreasonably large portion of their lives. in fact, sports often supersede family and create the foundations for their friendships. well, since most of your closest relations are sports-based, i'm going to do you the favor of diagramming the american sports scene. to which you respond, "how will you do that? theres so many sports in america!" and i say, "calm down, speedy gonzalez, its really very simple." basically, the american sports scene is just like your family reunions. also, remember that going to a family reunion without drinking heavily beforehand (and throughout) is not only stupid, but dangerous as well. like unprotected sex with a hooker in a pool of piranhas- no one will be impressed and you'll be dead. so without further delay, lets go to your family reunion...start drinking NOW!

1) baseball- major league baseball is like your grandfather. he's the patriarch, and has been around the longest. he's still really popular with the entire family, although there was that embarrassing incident a few years back where it came out that he had a long-running affair with the woman down the street. you know, the really energetic elementary school teacher? he said she made him feel years younger and powered him through a midlife crisis where he behaved like a man half his age. however, now he's well-behaved again and back with grandma. occassionally, comments will still come up at inappropriate times about the affair and everyone just sheepishly looks at the ground. theres still the 2001 bright red BMW convertible he bought that just sits in the garage and everyone tries to forget it exists, but for the most part everyone has forgiven him. he also maybe racist- not overtly like he was decades ago- but still it lingers under the surface. luckily, everyone laughs it off as "grandpa just being grandpa." all in all, though, hes always been there throughout your life and you will always love having a few beers with him.

2) football- the NFL is like your younger brother. the crazy one who you love, but probably can only handle a occasionally. you look forward to your mother's phone calls on sunday regarding him with a mixture of elation and trepidation. nothing he could do anymore would ever surprise you. "what, he crashed a row boat into a meth lab? what, TO tried to commit suicide? what, he bought a pink flamingo? what, chris simms had his spleen knocked out? what, he's on tour with Eddie Money? what, [insert anything regarding the bengals]?" and so on and so forth. he is almost unfairly larger than you, runs with an unruly crowd of his old frat brothers, and is an extremely heavy drinker. he is the proverbial bull in the china store, but whats better than a good ol' fashioned bender with your brother? abso-fuckin'-lutely nothing.

3) basketball- the NBA is your hip uncle on your mom's side. he's the youngest of five, so he's only about ten years older than you. also, he's this big time agent in LA and he represents all these musicians and athletes, so he's really in touch with the youth/pop culture. he also knows african-american slang (which drives grandpa crazy) from dealing with rappers. he's extremely career-oriented, well-dressed, and always has a new, smoking hot girlfriend every time you see him. a bachelor for life, hes slept with more women than you know, although you expect he probably has some illegitimate children. in the end, though, he is a bit vapid and his stories are only interesting about once a year. i mean theres only so many times you want to hear the story about "this one time i was blowing lines with lil' bow wow, amanda bynes, jessica biel, and that guy from "ed" at cheetah's on sunset..." still, hanging out with him makes you feel cooler, and you might go to a strip club or meet will smith when you're out with him, so you put up with him calling you "hot shot."

4) soccer- soccer- as a whole- is like the hispanic boyfriend your older sister dates. he's kind of flamboyant and colorful, and you don't always understand him, but according to other people he is really popular where he's from- so he must be a good guy. he is good looking, and charming so he's slowly working his way into the good graces of the family. you always enjoy seeing him, because usually if he's there its a pretty big event and you know he's good for a few shots, a few beers and just general rowdiness. it always ends up that before you know it he has you singing obscene bar songs, wearing a sombrero, and banging a cow bell. a really fun guy, you like him more and more every time you see him, but you wish he would stop touching you like that. everyone says thats just his culture, that they're a touchy people- but still...

5) nascar- for reasons unbeknownst to you, your uncle on your dad's side is somehow still in the family. the man is a drunken disgrace...and you know something about drunken disgraces. seriously, he has to know that the cropped t-shirt, torn wranglers and mullet "look" is not suitable for public viewing. you're embarrassed just knowing he is in the same family, while you watch him pound the MGDs he brought and chase them with wild turkey. the funniest part is that he brought the MGDs himself because he refused to drink the "fancy, foreign shit" that the host provided (which was actually sierra nevada and not foreign at all). you cringe when you see his skoal-covered face, and his only redeeming quality is that he will probably get drunk and break/fight/crash into something. if youre lucky, he might even hit the trifecta.

6) hockey- you have an uncle who moved to canada? really? you say he as some interesting colloquial stories? hmmm, you haven't heard of him, but you might have to crack a labatt's blue and try to find him.

7) golf/tennis- golf and tennis are your wealthy uncle. his name is probably something really ordinary like michael but instead he goes by tad or something equally ridiculous. he got fairly rich by either a) being a lawyer or b) in the tech boom of the '90s. he likes to pretend he is way better than the rest of the family by having interests that are so inanely boring that no one can possibly discuss anything with him. its his way of putting on airs, and dismissing everything else as plebian or lowbrow. however, deep down he desperately wants to remain part of the family and thats why he always shows up at these reunions. in the end, though, he's a pretty nice guy once you get past the pretentiousness. he always sends you $50 bucks for your birthday and visiting him for a few days can be kind of fun.

8) collegiate sports- the collegiate sports are your cousins. they arent immediately important but some of them are really fun. due to familial ties and/or geography you end up knowing some better than others, and every once and a while they're up for a good time. however, for the rest of the year they're pretty much a non-factor in your life. hey, they are your cousins, and when they're around they're family, but otherwise they're pretty much non-existent. although, do not ever underestimate the ability of your cousins to heap embarrassment on your family. like when your cousin duke raped a stripper? or when your cousin in miami made that rap song? all of those episodes were pretty hard to swallow, but you just have to remember that they are young and will make mistakes. in fact, they will make a shit-ton of them.

9) high school sports- high school sports are your cousins friends who are WAY too young. you may drink too much and think they're interesting, but its a HUGE mistake. just stay away from those ones, or you will end up looking like a creep. look at how interested uncle ricky bobby (the nascar one) is in your cousin's underage friends, what a perv. don't be like him.

10) the olympics, the tour de france, etc.- these are the family pets. you love them, but they are not actual family members. still, that doesn't stop you from getting drunk and playing with them for a little while. sometimes its nice to avoid the family.

11) the WNBA- and finally, we get to your aunt pat. look, everyone knows she wishes she were a man, and the family respects her lifestyle choice, but honestly, you wish she would tone it down just a bit. everyone gets it: she is big and burly, and frankly, very intimidating. the whole family believes in gay and women's rights, but you wish your aunt pat wouldn't try quite so hard. in the end she isn't a man, and by flaunting her preferences so much, she makes the entire family kind of uncomfortable.

so, there it is. basically, your family and the american sports scene in a nutshell. i just saved you months of therapy. feel free to post with anything i missed or descriptions of your family members i may have gotten wrong. i mean, i only met them that one time, and man, i was pretty hammered. say "hola" to your sis' boyfriend antonio for me.

thats fantastic

as the sun set over the los angeles skyline, i found myself searching the horizon for divine guidance. i needed inspiration; i needed a spark. what was i doing to desperately need this help you ask? writing the next great american novel? finally getting around to painting my masterpiece? no and no again, it was far more important. i was searching through minor league baseball prospects trying to find the unknowns that would carry my fantasy baseball team next year. now, before you write me off as some obsessive wacko, allow me to explain my situation. the clock had struck midnight on a cinderella season where i made the playoffs with a patchwork team of waiver wire pickups and aging veterans. like most dream seasons, though, it came to an end as i was clearly outmatched in the playoffs. however, what normally would have been a dark day of bitter disappointment and frustration, became a large silver-lined cloud. instead of having to wait idly for the beginning of the next fantasy season- or pretending to care about football- i was faced with new and important choices. this was my first keeper league, and this was my first off season as a fantasy gm. i would be damned if i was going to let it go with shaking up the league a little. thus, sunday night became the first night of my new fantasy dynasty.

spending four hours looking at players who have spent less time in professional ballparks than youre average peanut vendor may seem to some like a fruitless venture. yet, it became a therapeutic experience of sorts, where i waved goodbye to the frustrations of the seasons and looked forward for exciting, new talent. as i gutted my team, i finally began to understand what it was like to be the marlins' general manager. old players were thrown to the wayside, as i searched through farm system after farm system. it was not always easy, though. old friends like todd helton were hard to part with. as was the scrappy michael cuddyer, who played a big role in my playoff push. on the other hand, it pleased me to no end to cut tim hudson and mark buehrle. having them this season was like trying to run a marathon with someone hitting you in the knee every couple of miles. now i have the shiny new hayden penn and jason hirsh to replace them; two pitchers with sixteen career starts but more upside than you can shake a stick at.

of all the rookies i added, what are the chances that they become really successful? probably not that good. however, thats not the point. right now im holding onto a handful of lottery tickets, and just think how sweet it would be if they all end up paying off. i would be a golden fantasy god, and that is the point. right now, i am living with the person who won our league, and if you dont think that that is a constant source of irritation worse than those picked up on sunset boulevard, than you obviously dont know me. its like im ahab, constantly looking at my missing leg as i chase down my white whale. i want to beat my two roommates so bad in fantasy baseball, that its almost frightening...and okay, i'll admit that fantasy baseball probably means too much to me.

yet, i dont understand the great female aversion to fantasy sports. as a twenty-three year old with far too much free time, i feel that my fantasy baseball hobby is about as healthy as any of the ones that would replace it. i still read a fare amount, i dont really play video games, so what else am i going to take up? parcheezi? solitaire? knitting? dammit women, be reasonable. fantasy baseball is obviously the best option out there, otherwise its dungeons and dragons or drug abuse. you pick. i bring this up because this weekend i was sitting with a friend and his girlfriend, and she began complaining about his fantasy sports hobby. she said that he spent way to much time on his fantasy teams. however, she should have seen this as a positive. hes cultivating and caring for his teams. he takes on a challenge and sees it through; thats ambition and dedication. in fact, the ability to run your fantasy team should correspond directly to your ability to cultivate a successful relationship. the attention, the nurturing, the commitment- its the same qualities that go into a good relationship. from now on instead of taking a puppy or baby to the park to pick up girls, guys should bring their laptop and show off their successful fantasy teams. its the same principles of caring for something and being responsible isnt it? of course it is. the only difference is that fido doesnt have the five tools, and carl crawford (probably) won't crap in your house.

the heavy involvement, though, is the whole point behind the fantasy sports craze. we may get a little too iinvolved as we live out our unfulfilled fantasies and child-like dreams, but its an important aspect of the ever-changing sports scene. in a time where youre afraid to get jerseys with names on them because players are moved like kilos of coke, or where billionaire owners move teams just to squeeze a few more dollars out of one city rather than another, its nice to establish sports connections on your own terms. no matter what happens in real life, i get to have vladimir guerrero on my team for the next few years, and the beauty is that no owner or agent can change that. it is one of the few times in your life as a fan where you have stability and control. in a sporting world where the fan is the least respected actor involved, can anyome blame us for becoming too involved with our fantasy teams? thus, i think its time society began to look more fondly on those that are dedicated to caring for their fantasy teams. oh and yes ladies, as my new roster will show, i am a great fantasy general manager.

Everything Everyone Has Already Said About the NFC

Much to my absolute amazement, we have a new member who has taken the bull by the horns (its a metaphor for how he handles his business) and already turned the blog world upside-down. I wish I could have a better introduction, but he is none other than Leopold Bloom, check out his article below this...

Wow it has been a long time since I’ve updated here, work and play have definitely gotten Larry Johnson-like carries here lately. I figured I’d put up my NFL preview of the NFC, just to show everyone at season’s end how prognosticating my abilities are. Simmons had to beat me to the punch with my main sleeper team (St. Louis). Here it is, the breakdown of the NFC (AFC preview coming later by John Clayton’s Lovechild):

NFC East: Eagles

Few do seem to remember that dominant defense of two years ago that managed to make the Super Bowl without TO (though he did help get them a nice record going into the playoffs). McNabb is the same QB that led them to three straight NFC Conference Title games, and his receiving core, though still decidedly unproven, is significantly better than it was before TO came to town. Stallworth, Reggie Brown, and LJ Smith do bring a better element to a team without past receiving options. The key would have to be Westbrook’s health, as the long time holder of being one of the biggest fantasy teases. However, with an easy schedule, a motivated McNabb (I don’t quote Rush here), and tough defense, they will win the division at 11-5. Other rans in the division:

Giants: I don’t trust Eli, his completion percentage is just awful, I watched him constantly over or under-throw Plaxico many times a game. Plus, the O-line is not very solid and the secondary has not looked sharp as of late. In close games I’d never take Feely (see 2005 at Qwest Field) to kick a football through Strahan’s gapped teeth, more or less a couple of uprights.

Redskins: Over-paying for free-agents in the offseason is not the way to go, unless it is for marquee talent. For the incoming free-agent class for the Redskins, this was definitely not the case, as mediocre (and over-the-hill) “talent” was brought in. Adam Archuleta is an overrated and white safety who gets burned with such regularity that his nickname should be “I’m overrated and get burned on a regular basis.” Brandon Lloyd is too slow, Randle El too versatile to be used effectively in this offense, Andre Carter, etc., etc. Not only that, but Mark Brunell is quarterbacking, a guy who hasn’t thrown a decent pass since the 1990 Rose Bowl.

Cowboys: Everyone is talking about TO, but the main problem here is, they have no offensive line, and no running game will result from this to even begin to allow them to pass. Bledsoe + TO + Parcells - Running Game = 7-9.

NFC South: Carolina

Everyone’s chic pick for the Super Bowl this year, which we all know won’t happen. These are the same people who said that the Cardinals would be good last year, and we’re all still waiting for that to happen. However, that run defense is just an absolute beast, they won’t be giving up much on the ground, ever. Steve Smith’s hammy injury should be monitored, as he goes, they go. They had one of the worst 5 run-per-average stats in the league last year, everyone forgets this, as their running game is overrated. Keyshawn won’t make as big of a difference and this team will struggle in the red zone. I still like them to win the division though, at 11-5 as well. Others:

Hotlanta (Wild Card): They should finish just behind Carolina, as long as their defense stays healthy and they can generate their running attack. Vick is on the hot seat and will have to prove his doubters wrong (and keep his herpes under control). The defense should be solid, as long as it stays healthy (do you see a theme with this team here?). I just like this defense they have, call it a hunch.

Tampa: Will just miss out this year, I just have a bad feeling about Chris Simms, not to mention all lefties for that matter. Though I think the offense will be better, that Tampa Cover 2 has to break down at some point with how old these guys are getting.

New Orleans: I think they will surprise some people, believe it or not. Drew Brees is definitely an upgrade over Aaron Brooks, and this is a team who has perennially been labeled as a playoff team, just underachieved. Now they have a solid fan base, the new Gale Sayers, an always consistent Joe Horn, not to mention Deuce, who I think will have a very solid year running the ball and getting the majority of the carries. The defense is horrible, as can be expected, but this offense is not going to disappoint.

NFC North: Bears

Sad as it is to say it, someone has to win this division. It’s the NL West of Football, and that’s being generous. The Bears will win the division, but with a 9-7 record, since their schedule is definitely tougher, though they do get the Lions, Packers and Vikings twice each. That defense is just ridiculous, and as they proved last year until the playoffs, you can get by on little more than that.

Packers: I thought Favre would have a good year this year, but now I don’t see it happening. This offensive line will have Favre scrambling every down, and Ahman Green will see his knee collapse at the hands of a defensive tackle. No top-tier wideouts (Driver is more of a number 2), no defense whatsoever, and word is that AJ Hawk isn’t catching on so quickly (I could have told you that after seeing his girlfriend, now wife, who could start on many defensive lines in this division).

Vikings: What offense have these guys been able to generate lately and with Brad Johnson? Little, if any. The offensive line should be one of the best in the league, but with no real receiving threats (though they did have a serious drunken-receiver threat) and Chester Taylor stinking in the preseason, it looks like they’ll be relegated to close losses and salad tosses (from Brian McKinney of course).

Lions: With Martz running the offense they do have a chance…a chance to bomb horribly. When one of the keys to your season is “counting on Jon Kitna,” you are screwed. I think Roy Williams will have a monster year, but Kevin Jones won’t be seeing many handoffs and they have no one else to throw the ball to.

NFC West: Seahawks

My beloved Seahawks, my how you torture me and my soul. I honestly thought we (yes I suit up for the Seahawks as #96) could go undefeated about two months ago, but injuries and poor play have made me succumb to what will most likely happen. We play most of our tough games on the road (KC, Denver, Chicago), but those games are in October, as opposed to December (except the Denver game, I believe). Injuries are starting to take their toll and I’m not optimistic on Darrell Jackson making a huge impact. Seeing the running game first hand at Qualcomm a few weeks ago, I can say that we do not look as sure running the ball on 3rd and short, especially to the left. Granted, Walter Jones was the only starter on the O-line playing, but still, it was not pretty. I see a 10-6 record in the cards, we’ll win or sweep the West (we match up too well with St. Louis) and win the tiebreaker for the division.

Rams (Wild Card): Few people remember that this was a good team two years ago, and that was with the man formerly known as Marshall Faulk at running back. They have a beast of a running back in Steven Jackson now, and one of, if not the best, receiving corps in the game. Not to mention a decent line and healthy Marc Bulger. Furthermore, Scott Linehan is the new coach (the same man who made Daunte Culpepper a borderline MVP candidate in Minnesota and Gus Frerrotte decent in Miami, which is a feat in and of itself) and Jim Haslett is back to what he knows best, messing up defenses. At least in this case the defense is already too messed up to do much about it, though Will Witherspoon will help. I see a lot of high scoring games and “a very good show on turf, but not the greatest.” 10-6 is pretty much the ceiling, but that’s all it should take for a spot.

Cardinals: I’m not going to wax poetic about the Cardinals since everyone is already down on their knees giving love to the Card’s collective Johnsons already. Problem is, the team isn’t any good, I could do as good a job as a starter on their O-line (6’2”, 180 lbs.) and their defense is too disorganized and injury prone. This is the Cardinals we are talking about here, when have they ever won anything? Then again, what do I know?

And last and least:

49ers: They are horrible. Could go 0-16 (though it never happens). I am serious when I say to San Francisco fans: this team will never be good again, in their history, ever. Hope you enjoy re-living the glory days because that’s all you’ll ever have. Love the optimism though, and the Castro District, maybe they should recruit some players from there, it wouldn’t hurt.

its the blood of broken hearts that writes every love song...

every fan will tell you their ultimate dream is to have their team win a championship. to have that singular moment where your team- your beloved mudhens or banana slugs- can smile smugly from atop the ashen heap of defeated foes and say "i'm the best! around! nothing will ever keep me down!" meanwhile, you would be dancing like a loon in the bar, hugging strange men, and kissing the deuce and half at the end of the bar in between mangled lines of "we are the champions." this is your ultimate dream. this is what you wake up every spring and/or fall praying for. this is why you bought the jersey and matching underoos. so whats the problem then?

well, outside of the of the fact that the big girl might break your bed, this is an impossible dream for most fans. realistically, very few teams in a given year have any chance of winning a title, and trust me yours is not one of them. thusly, why are you settling? why are you rooting for the one unattainable moment when you can have a lifetime of notoriety and sympathy? why waste time wanting your team to be the best, when instead you can simply rearrange your priorities and desire to be the most tortured fan base.

suddenly, all of those heartbreaking losses are good for something. youve forged character, and the catastrophic experiences that are referred to as "season after season," become the glue that binds the strong willed and loyal together. youre a better fan because youre not a frontrunner, because you have the intestinal fortitude to suffer. plus, its the heartbreaking losses that truly bind a fan and a team. every one of those experiences reinforces your commitment, because- frankly- if you could survive that, why would you quit on them now? furthermore, everyone feels bad for you. when your team loses a lot, people start saying things like "poor cleveland" or "yea my team blows, but at least i'm not from that epic, urban tribute to losing known as kansas city." people buy you drinks when they see you weeping at the bar after derrick turnbow blows another save. your friends try to get "that" sorority girl to sleep with you, just to get you out of that suicidal funk that is watching the postseason wrenched away on the final day. everyone loves an underdog, and as the little engine that cant, youre the ultimate underdog. youre the beaten child who everyone wants to raise above his abusive environment and achieve his dream. embrace this plucky persona.

you see, rooting for a team is like listening to an indie art rock band. when they are starting out, its like youre the only one who knows about them. they might have some good depressing tunes, some good dark-colored gigs, but they're still small and there is plenty of room on the bandwagon. their not accessible, and not everyone understands them, but youre into them. everything about them means more to you now because you feel like you discovered them and thus youre inherently cooler than everyone else. their minor triumphs make your tight pants tighter, and you make friends with the small group of loyal, like-minded fans at concerts. you can all wallow in the depressing songs, and talk about how much they mean to you. you can speak wildly of how no one understands you, and their struggles are a testament to your hardships. yet, you still dream of sharing these feelings with everyone, and you could all connect on some cool metaphysical level and be myspace friends. then one day you hear them on the radio, and then suddenly everything is completely diffrerent. your band made it. everyone listens to them, everyone has co-opted your feelings, but they've left them meaningless. then the inevitable backlash comes, and soon its cool to dislike your band. you used to be so hip in your dandy warhols t-shirt and skinny tie, now everyone laughs at your un-hipness. either that or that just straight up hate your annoying ass.

when youre losing, you get to complain and wallow in your own pain, and no one says anything. you get to focus on the wrongs of the previous season, and wonder why you get so hopeful every year. you are allowed to fully indulge your masochism, as you people simply shake their heads in sympathy mixed with disbelief. you tell them they cant possibly understand the depths of your feelings; that people from your area are so used to heartbreak, that this is routine for you. internally they contemplate whether they could ever survive your sports-related sufferings. you are the maverick loner at the bar that no one understands but dammit they respect you.

moreover, all of the energy youve poured into this championship dream is a waste. there's simply no point. winning a championship is like doing heroin. you may get the high once, and then quickly the euphoria turns to disappointment because every season following a championship is a let down. even if you do win another championship, it wont feel as good as that first one. you will have expected, and it will be more of a relief than a release. youve permanently blown your sports load, and theres no going back. youre "chasing the dragon," and it will simply leave you shivering in an alley.

plus, now your friends have abandoned you. they dont speak to you because an immovable stake has been driven through the heart of the friendship. think about it, when your team wins does anyone congratulate you? does anyone ever say "wow, i wish i was from pittsburgh so i could enjoy this championship?" no! their remarks will range from backhanded compliments ("you were sure lucky about that one") to bitter ("if the refs weren't so bad, seattle would be the champion") to just straight up angry ("oh f--- you, you roethlisberger-loving ass clown"). you will get no credit, no proper gloating time, and worst of all, the glory will be robbed from the moment like perusing a US Weekly while watching "hit me baby one more time." dont they realize that it was youre rooting power that lifted the team during the dog days? dont they realize that it was your prayers that pushed jerome bettis far further than his amazing girth should have allowed? wheres your credit? wheres your moment in the sun? these are your friends why wont they let you enjoy it? well, youre a winner now and everyone hates the winner.

once your team wins you become the guy in the group who is far more successful than he deserves, and everyones jealous. youre the guy whos dating the really, really hot chick, and all of your friends now hate you for it. they dont want to see you with all of that goregous body, perfect smile, and uh, happiness. they cant stand it. they cant stand you.

now, while i appologize for exposing your life dream for the cheap and tawdry ruse it is, think about the new path open to you. from here on you can accept your teams shortcomings and realize that it makes you a superior fan. its easy being a patriots fan; its a test that only the truly loyal will pass to try to be a lions fan. additionally, there can only be one champion in a given sport, but there can be a few really tortured fan bases, so it'll be easier to accomplish. in closing, while the yankees march on to the title, i'll be there with you. i'll be there on the final day of the season at the corner of the bar, and i'll be drowning my sorrows too. i'll also be shaking my head, wondering how i let another pathetic giants roster suck me in only to fall painfully short in the final days. ooooh, it hurts so good.

The S&M that is Seattle Sports

Let me start out my very first blog by stating it is an honor as well as a privilege to be a member of this fine community of people with far too much time on their hands. I think we all need to give Brian Macinnes a nice, long round of applause for taking time out of his busy schedule full of various, blatantly homoerotic niceties to create this medium of ventilation. Okay, enough with the big words, on to the subject at hand.

Seattle sports have always been somewhat of a tortured community that (for reasons unknown to this charming and handsome fella) just doesn’t seem to get as much recognition as other cities, such as Boston, Chicago, and Cleveland (just to name a few). Sure, the Sonics won the improbable ’79 championship. And who can forget that magical 2004 Seattle Storm team that simply willed themselves to the coveted spot as the champion of professional women’s basketball. Lets forget for a moment that this feat is about as recognized as Scott Bakula turning a bunch of has-been and some never-were’s into a minor league team to be reckoned with in Major League 3: Back to the Minors (which, like the entire WNBA in general, most of us would like to believe NEVER HAPPENED). The very fact that I EVEN KNOW the 2004 Seattle Storm won the WNBA championship is a testament to how dry the Seattle sports scene has been for the better part of the last three decades.

There was the 1994 Sonics who, a year after taking Phoenix to the brink of elimination in the Western Conference Finals, won a then-franchise record 63 games and went into the playoffs with the number one overall seed (in the first season sans Michael Jordan no less). This happened, mind you, only to see Dikembe Mutombo single handedly make every red-blooded, Seattle sports fan’s balls shrink up into their body cavity by devastating the best shot Seattle has had at a championship since 1979. That video of Mutombo “embracing the ball” in the old Seattle Coliseum still makes me want to beat the crap out of Robert Pack (because, realistically, he’s the only member of that team that I would actually stand a chance against in a fight. And there is NO WAY I would ever even make direct eye contact with someone who would later change his name to Bison Dele).

There were the 2001 Seattle Mariners who, despite winning a major league record 116 games in the regular season just a year removed from the Alex Rodriguez era, barely squeaked by the Indians in the ALDS before getting pounded harder than Lance Bass backstage at a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy filming by the Yankees in the ALCS. While, despite their record, nobody was really “favoring” the Mariners to win it all, it still takes that special Seattle vibe to set a MAJOR LEAGUE RECORD for wins in a season and STILL not make it to your first World Series. Personally, I blame Joey Cora. Forget the fact that he had nothing to do with this particular Mariners ball club, but I have just always found that guy to be a gigantic douche (and again, he’s one of the few mariners that I am fully confident I could take in a fight).

Most recently, we have the 2005 Seahawks, who probably should have won it all if the National Football League didn’t recruit Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, and Hellen Keller to head up the officiating crew. I mean seriously, Seattle defense stopped Rothlisberger on that one “touchdown” drive harder than any windshield ever could. In all seriousness though, I’m as relieved as anybody that Ben’s Neckbeard was not hurt in that horrible motorcycle accident. Somewhere, Peja Stojakovic is smiling.

Now, to make matters worse, the city of Seattle is in danger of losing the one sports team that has any kind of history (however short it might be) of success. Ahem, I’m sorry, I meant TWO sports teams….. Now, I’m as big of a “Oklahoma City deserves its own basketball team” enthusiasts as anybody. I mean, I’d buy the pay-per-view telecast of the first time a well-known Klansmen goes to a game and heckles Danny Fortson. That would make the Ron Artest melee look like an after school special by comparison. However, its simply not fair to take away a team that has been the mainstay of the Seattle area for 40 years just because the majority owner of Starbucks felt like he had to prove to the powers-that-be in the city council that his balls aren’t just grande. They are venti. We get it Howee. You told them that you would sell or move the team if you didn’t get what you wanted. Now, you have officially turned yourself into the Mr. Burns of Seattle, turning your back on the very city that made you rich. The one positive note about the inevitable relocation of the Sonics and Storm, however, is that it might finally propel the city of Seattle into and above the most tortured in all of sports. I would say I blame Lauren Jackson, but on second thought, she probably COULD kick my ass.

Welcome to The Intimidation Station

There he is folks, in all of his beautiful glory, the newest contributor to The Intimidation Station, none other than Brian Bartek. Son of Debbie Bartek, Brother to Heather Bartek (Heather B), and owner of one of the smoothest jump shots you quite possibly have ever seen. Look for his sign (Virgo).